I have to admit, the first time I heard the term ‘Crunchy Moms’, I was confused. I was sure it was some new dance craze, only to be followed by ‘Twerkin’ Dads’. Then I figured out it was Moms who want to go ‘all natural’ with their kids. I assume crunchy refers to all that sugar-free fiber they’re making their kids eat. But now, some of these moms seems to be shoving stuff down other people’s throats. It’s funny to read blog posts calling people out for bullying, followed by diatribes comparing bottle feeding to a hate crime perpetuated on your baby.

I’m all for natural child birth and gluten-free-bran-based-tofu-roll-tasteless-snack-cakes. As long as I don’t have to eat them. You might want to stop judging every woman feeding formula to their infant though. Hearing a ‘tsk’ from you, as we’re tossing Infamil in our shopping cart serves absolutely no purpose. Well, that’s not true. It reinforces the opinion that you’ve created a new group, for the sole purpose of feeling better than everyone else. Seriously, we have enough of those.

My wife got pregnant by the fluke of a thyroid operation that fixed her hormones for a single night during 18 years of marriage. The ‘Great Hormone Alignment Of 2013’, (as it’s officially known in future family journals), did not extend one second past conception – not that I needed more than a few minutes of magic am’irite guys??? The moment of hormonal bliss did not extend to the milk making phase, however. She tried everything suggested by doctors and moms alike, yet was unable to manufacture much more than a few drops. She felt bad about it too. She felt broken, after this miracle of a birth. I told her not to worry, as it was amazing what had already come to pass. A true gift had been given to us.

Ah, but then the Crunchies came in. Little comments here and there. Opinions on, not only our son’s food, but what we allowed to grace the recesses of his behind. Web posts of ‘All Natural = LOVE’ and ‘Cloth Diapers Bring About World Peace’. She was suddenly inundated with nay-saying judges seated on the high court of public opinion; and it was ruled she was guilty. Guilty of what? Making sure the boy got sustenance the only way she knew how…. by mixing some powder and water. Much the way most of us were fed in the 70’s & 80’s. I mean she could have let the kid starve, but we grew pretty fond of the little lad when he first popped out his misshapen head.

I guess I’ll end by saying, I don’t mind opinions. I have a butt-ton of them. And I’m pretty rigid on some. But don’t give a mom crap, or make her feel less-than, because she’s got a bottle of non-boob-squeezed-gogo-juice shoved in her baby’s mouth. Sometime there’s a really good reason why she’s not going the all-natural route. Probably because, for HER body, milk making is NOT natural. It’s as foreign as squirting out Orange Juice.

Oh. And stop calling yourselves Crunchy Moms. You’re basically pretending to be Amish, but without the personal fortitude to give up your iPhones, Tivos, and Mocha Choca Soy Lattes.

See? Opinions.